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Submitted on
December 28, 2012
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Stand at me
Glare at me
Rant
And pull
Your hair at me.

Reward me
with tears
your eyes like
daggers and spears.

I'm not cruel
Just. Honest.
© leanscribbles 2012
Mirror poem 3
mirror poem 1 [link]
mirror poem 2 [link]
Mirror poem 4 [link]
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi, I'm critiquing on behalf of :iconwriters--club:. :wave:

I like the theme here of the battle between people and their mirrors. It's an all-too-common feeling(also often-written-of), and you do a decent job of portraying it here.

However, there are ways in which you could make this even more impactful. For example, little things like a bit more punctuation can increase the focus on parts that you'd like the reader to be touched by. for example, commas at the end of the first two lines would create pauses in the reader's mind, which would give them more time to take in the meaning. On the other side of things, a good grammar decision would be to trade the period in the last line for a semicolon ( ; ) at the end of the second-last line. The pause makes more sense there.

There are some minor wording changes that could also help this poem. There are three lines that stood out to me in that regard. The first line says "stand at me". I know that you did this for parallelism within that stanza, but it also sounds awkward in this case. "Stand by me" would make more sense, or even a different verb, like "come face me" or something like that. You'd lose the repetition of "at," but that doesn't really add too much anyways.

The other two lines I'd consider changing a bit are: your eyes like / daggers and spears. The rhythm would feel better with less words, in this case. For example, the whole stanza could be something like:
Reward me
with tears
from eyes
like spears


In that example, it could also work if you grouped the lines together so as to make it just a couplet.

On more positive note, I really like that internal rhyme in the first stanza, of "Glare" and "hair." Those kind of things are what will make your writing stand out, if you develop them more. I would even say that that's the highlight of the poem for me.

Overall, I think you've done an alright job here. The poem sometimes feels disjointed, and it is not as original as it could be, both in theme and execution, but you seem to be pretty passionate about writing, so I really think that with some work, you could be quite good. Like I mentioned above, even now I can see your style coming out, so keep up the good work.
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:icongacktsaga04:
gacktsaga04 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
just like a girl in a mirror :D
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:iconleanscribbles:
leanscribbles Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
or the mirror in a girl ?
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:icongacktsaga04:
gacktsaga04 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
yeah true :D
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:iconamylee111:
amylee111 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Simply...AMAZING!! I love this!!
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:iconleanscribbles:
leanscribbles Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it !
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:iconsafe-as-houses:
Safe-As-Houses Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Love the last bit... Very nicely done.
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:iconleanscribbles:
leanscribbles Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you, glad you liked it
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